song of myself

isn't there a kind of answer
can I hear it on the wind

what is it that haunts me
won't leave my mind

no peace in this place
no calm scene with ghosts and dirges

grief, regret, too late, mistakes, sorrow at what I've been
and what I've done

I can't tell her sorry
she isn't here

there is no way for me to make amends
I cannot change things, I can't make them better, I can't make up
for the things I didn't do, and for the things I did do

I would like to speak to her
it would make it all ok

and I could talk about my father
and how much I miss him

and what life was like when we were children
and what her life was like

how much I would like to have talked to him
about life, and spirit, how much

we could have shared

and we could share memories of the past
and I could feel like I belonged somewhere, like I was loved
for the person I really am

and she wouldn't leave me
I could go home

to sleep well, I never slept so well as when I was there
and I loved it, it broke my heart to let it go

but it was empty without her
she was its beauty

and nowhere feels like home now, everything is in transit
and nothing feels like family now, because they are all gone

and there is no belonging
there is only one

and it is scary
being alone - there is no safety except

what I make for myself
and I don't know for how long

I can do that

and the future looks like a bleak, empty tunnel to me
with nothing to look forward to, and no point to the journey
except the breathing in itself, which feels shallow and worthless

for what does one small daughter matter
in the coldness of a stretching universe and
the coldness of people and the pain of the knocks

no answer on the wind
and all the lovely mountains, and the sky, and finite water

need not me to be themselves -

I wrestle an angel every day to be here, to continue to do, and the struggle
makes me tired, and it quails my heart, and it is so hard

to stand and walk some days, my body hurts me so, it makes me
want to lie down and just die I get so tired and there is no rest

I have worn my knees with praying, and I believe in God, but
isn't there a kind of answer

why can't I hear it on the wind

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