Payment

I have given up - the weight
too strong to bear, too
heavy crushed me, and I
am here - I think of many
things - I should have said,
I didn't do, all the time
ran out, and still I miss you.

This place is not far
from where you were
from where you are,
and I wish to live here

if I could, did this world
not claim my heart and bone,
so far from home.

Ask me what I would give
to go back
to move the clock hands, and,
with knowledge
change my act.

This world is hollow
and shallow
without you - no deed
worthwhile, no place
of peace.

I leave tomorrow, I lock
the door, and travel the old
road away, towards
chore and the indifferent day.

The bloodline split: the
other half across the border,
beyond the mountain
and the water, words
into a wire, bouncing

from a disk in space -
I can't do it anymore,
tracing the line in my palm,
my blood is warm,
but I try, in spite of it,
to breathe and live
to breathe and live
to give myself to the moment
	like it mattered
and do the tasks before me
as if I were not
scattered to time and
incident, as if I were
whole, and healed.

Time makes no difference
to the wounds, the
scars, the empty hollowed
place, and the grass mound.
I decay with you and doubt
I will ever see you again
when I am gone.

Here there are glimpses,
	imaginings, but
intimations only, that show
absence, and loss.

Too big to digest, it eats
me instead
and all my days I waste
	in wishing.

Maybe there is balance out
there somewhere to the
unique, intense, moment,
to all the love and years,
to the acts undone
and the chances missed,
to all the words
I did not say.

My epitaph:  I did and did,
I worked like I was bid,
I thought too much
and had no peace, and grief,
like too much digging
undermined the
foundation of my being,

there seems no reason
for what is, and all
the things we buy -
the neverending news -
our lives numbered by 
channels and clothes -
we lost our way somehow

and only here makes sense.
The river rushes
and the loch extends beyond
my sight.
You cannot help my plight
	and no drug works.

I have no choice:
	I wake and walk
and daily do -
the price I have to pay, I
pay, for loving you.

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